But I don’t think men are that shallow across the board to explain why we can switch to a newer model more regularly than Steve Jobs. I think the fundamental reason we get younger women is because younger women allow it. Nobody’s holding a gun to their head saying “Make-out with you father’s golf buddy or else!” Maybe part of this is the fact that men can remain fertile much later into their lives. I kind of get how a younger woman would be intrigued by an older, wiser, financially stable man who also can still knock her up after his second knee replacement. If ovaries are as rare and valuable as a T206 Honus Wagner baseball card then sperm is like the bubble gum that came in every pack.

Really, the whole point of this post wasn’t to find an answer to why this phenomenon exists, but to express my conjecture on what I believe are the optimal ages for a man and woman in an intimate relationship when the fellow is twice the lady’s age.

I believer 54 and 27 are the ideal numbers based on a modified version of baseball sabermetrics I used.

Here’s why:

1. Any number over 60 for a guy is out because then you’re talking about a 3+ decade minimum age gap. Also, I’m not even 30 yet and it feels like I’ve been alive a long time. And they lived thru the Truman presidency, which was a decade before even JFK.

2. Obviously any age in the 30′s are out for guys, because that would make it illegal, creepy, or both.

3. The 40′s are a doable decade for guys but, other than college professors in that age range, most women half their age will be in college during that time frame and are probably going to put off settling down with an older guy until after they’ve explored the droves of young men teeming all around them.

So we’ve narrowed it down to the 50′s for guys. I choose 54 and 27 because at that point you’ve got a woman out of college who has turned the corner into her late 20′s but at the same time a guy who is still in his early 50′s. The women presumably has had a real world job for a few years and is financially independent and making decisions more on wants than needs. The man probably hasn’t had a heart attack yet and, because he’s a dude, probably still passes for someone in their late 40′s. If you’re 27 and he looks 48, that’s 6 years taken off the age gap right there. Subtract the years of virility the man has left ( let’s say 14 on average ) and now his age is down to 34. A 7 year age difference is negligible. It provides that perfect amount of time gap that allows a man to catch up in maturity to a woman.

I hope this was helpful to all my male chauvinist readers and to Hugh Hefner, if you’re reading old friend.

1. If we can have a truly international Little League World Series, why can’t we do this at the Major League Level?

2. If they have Frozen Yogurt places where you pay by weight, why can’t there be barbershops/hair salons where you pay by the weight of what they cut off? A trim shouldn’t slim your wallet that much.

3. There’s something cathartic about getting the closest parking space to your apartment, especially when your roommate is usually parked in it.

4. It’s sad that you can judge the productivity of your day by the proximity of your parking spot to your apartment ( the closer you are parked the less you did ).

5. If your idea of good chocolate is Hershey’s, then my idea of a good lay is a blowup doll.

6. Going to 3 different groceries stores before settling on a beer choice does not make you a beer snob. Ok, yes it does but I’m not buying anything with the world “summer” or “wheat” in the title. And fruit beers are for special occasions, like when you’re already too drunk to taste the raspberry in them.

7. Screw online dating, online blogging is where all the eligible singles are.

8. The only reason I would ever run a 5K is because some other blogger is and I secretly want to shadow them the whole race and then blow by them at the end of the race. So keep posting your times so I know who I can actually keep up with.

9. I know Ames isn’t going to win the “Bachelorette”,  but sometimes you just have to cherish the time you have with someone even though you know it’s fleeting.

Me neither. Moving on to more pertinent topics, like containers. Containers are insert superlative here. They really are. How Fleetwood Mac never wrote a song about them is inexplicable. They hold solids and liquids, and possibly both at the same time. And the beauty of recreational container use is the fact that you can put as little or as much (as you can fit) into them.

But I’m not here to talk about recreational container use. I’m here to talk about commercial container use. I define a commercial container as anything that has been packaged by the producer before being given to the consumer. So this would include the Lincoln Log bucket, the Manolo Blahnik shoe box (I like to relate to sassy SATC aficionados in my posts), or a jar of pickles.

Specifically, food containers are what I want to grumble about. A shoe box can be as small or large as it wants as long as two shoes are inside. But with food containers, the number one principal of consumerism is that we want the best bang for our buck. I don’t want to order a medium iced tea and then have you fill it up 3 ounces short of the top. Mason don’t play that. But Mason also doesn’t want to look like the penny pincher who complains and then gets the iced tea topped of with teenage saliva.

What’s really at the heart of this complaint is the very berry oatmeal I’ve been getting from Caribou Coffee. I pretty much eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast, with the exception of my Saturday egg & cheese sandwich and the occasional bagel and lox. I make a pretty decent oatmeal with cinnamon, blueberries, raisins, dates (sometimes), and a little skim milk. But my oatmeal doesn’t hold a candle (or iPhone with candle app) to the very berry oatmeal. It’s the slivered almonds and especially the strawberry compote that puts it way over the top. How over the top? Think Lady Gaga playing a burning piano with tigers eating sushi off her naked body. Now use your VCR’s tracking feature to adjust it back to a really good oatmeal. There. That over the top.

The Caribou oatmeal is so good I’ve been eschewing making oatmeal and just getting it on the way to work for the last week or so. And for $2.29, plus tax, it’s really not that economically malfeasant. The problem lies in the human element involved in the oatmeal preparation. Some of the baristas know what Mason likes and fill the container up to the top with copious amounts of compote. Then there’s the ones who are consistently an inch below the top of the container with the oatmeal and don’t understand the concept of the compote to oatmeal ratio.

One day I’m going to snap and complain about it in person, with some snarky comment like, “Guess that’s why you guys get owned by Starbucks and Dunkin’”, followed by me snapping several wooden coffee stirrers over my knee, a la Bo Jackson, and then storming off. Until then I will continue my Venti venting here (someone really needs to admit me to Alliterations Anonymous).

See the oatmeal fill level is the same problem you get with any prepared to order single serving item that involves any sort of mixing / blending. The same thing happens at Smoothie King or when I get a protein shake at the gym. The guy eyeballs the ingredients and then, once it is all mixed together and poured, hopes the end result approaches optimal fill zone. But if it doesn’t we, the consumer, are SOL because they’re not going to take the time to whip up a 2oz. portion of smoothie with tiny 20z. portion strawberries and tiny 20z. portion ice cubes.

So why don’t we stand up for the rightful portions we paid for? We wouldn’t pay $4 for a gallon of gas and be okay with getting 9/10 gallon. We wouldn’t buy a 10 pair pack of socks and smile politely when we pull out only 19 socks. Food is the only consumer product we continually allow ourselves to be sold short on. It’s been happening for at least as long as they’ve made potato chips. They are the godfather of all food container criminals, with their duffle sized bags filled with more air than my grandma’s oxygen tank. But no one ever laid it to Lays and now the lawlessness seems to have gotten too out of hand to wrangle back. For all of you looking for a solution in this post, I’m sorry to tell you I don’t have one. It’s a grim reality we face. The only thing I can say about this pickle is man do they pack pickles properly and I’ll probably be putting a pickle in my piehole promptly to praise pickle producers.

Exhibit A:

Parts of 4 different kinds of beer at Founders Fest 2011 in Grand Rapids. And of course TV’s Zack Morris showed up in Grand Rapids to slap some bass and shave some heads;

You’ll have to trust me that’s him in the grey shirt. Even though we went to 5 different breweries in 3 days ( 2 new, 3 of our favs from last year ), we did find some time to hit up a Great Lake ( no idea which one );

Wish I could show you the musical fountain they had here at dusk ( 2nd largest in the World next to Vegas evidently ) but my camera ain’t so hot at night pictures

And then the moustache appeared

And said unto Kellie, “We need more beer”

And it was obliged. This is actually a bar. Good call on the leather sofa OddSide Ales ( The Pineapple IPA was pretty good too )

Who sits in chairs when you have a couch? I guess the couch was taken to be fair. But I would’ve shared.

And the day ended with Tom slurping down some butter sauce with seafood and pasta in it.

There was actually another two days of Grand Rapids exploration after this including a cool Outoor Sculpture Garden

Also saw the only 100% official Frank Lloyd Wright house in Grand Rapids

Sorry this post is all pictures and no pith. Sometimes it’s nice to just eat and drink and talk about how nice the Michigan folk are for not rubbing in the Jim Tressel debacle too much.

WHERE SHOULD I TRAVEL TO NEXT?

Now, people have always thought it was weird I called my parents “Tom” and “Kellie”. You know, by their names. Do you call your brother “Brother”? I don’t think so. But to call your parents by such infantile titles? It makes me want to vom cream cheese frosting. I also don’t get why people don’t like this:

Yes, this is a full post. Tom & Kellie would approve

NOT me in my Pink Crab Pants

Kellie Approving at THE Columbus Zoo

But enough of the problems. Like I said, I’m not a homeless person, nor a professional life coach. However, these are a few of the things I’d do if I were homeless and it seemed like it was going to last for awhile ( There are some people I’ve been walking by to and from work for over a year now ):

1. Keep it Sunny – Why the heck do you want to stay in Buffalo or Detroit in the Winter if you’re homeless? What is keeping you there? Ostensibly, if you had family or friends ties there they would be helping you out and not letting you live on the streets. So with no reason to stay, get out of Dodge ( unless Dodge is in Florida or California ).

2. Hobo on the Run – Kind of going along with Keeping it Sunny, I’d keep it moving. You have no job, no bills to pay, no commitments. Why not take a vacation around the country? I don’t know about you, but usually when I step in dog crap I don’t stay standing in it enjoying the fumes. I step out of it as quickly as possible and find greener grass to wipe my feet clean. If things aren’t developing in Missouri for you, why not pay Nebraska a visit? Another benefit to this philosophy is more anonymity ( you’re not known by name as “Humphrey the Hobo” at the local precinct, but rather just “that guy” ). Once people identify you as homeless, there’s a stigma attached to it no matter how often you shower. By nomading the homelessness, you’re buying yourself at least 2 to 3 days at each new town before people realize you’re not wearing the same shirt everyday for irony.

3. You live outdoors / That’s your in – I don’t know about you, but to me there’s not really a difference between what a homeless person looks like and what someone who works at a Camping/Outdoor store looks like. In many cases the homeless person will be less unkempt ( because no matter how hard you try to make it happen, dreadlocks will never be in for white people dude ). Really, the only difference is the Outdoor store person paid $75 for their high performance, distressed, earth tones t-shirt while the homeless person’s white t-shirt turned beige through a natural staining process ( Tide-To-Go is a bourgeoisie luxury y’all ). I’d be applying to these stores first and foremost. Casual work attire, lax facial hair regulations, employee discounts on tents and long lasting energy bars. What’s not to like? At least take the hourly wage and save up until you can afford to buy that suit for a real job. Also, any organic food co-op would be my second choice for a starter job. They won’t be able to tell if the strong odor is from you or the wheatgrass shots they’re making at the juice bar in the back.

4. Abuse the Library System – Libraries are a great resource and a decades old staple of homeless people. But staying in Buffalo reading Jane Eyre and Stephanie Meyer books all day is violating my Hobo On The Run mantra. Library cards are still one of the easiest things to obtain. And I don’t think different states or counties exactly cross check other library databases for overdue books out of their jurisdiction. So stockpile those library cards my friend and grab a couple new releases in Albuquerque and Denver. Remember, it’s not stealing, it’s JUST overdue.

My biggest regret in writing this post is realizing homeless people are going to have a hard time finding my blog ( especially since people who actually own computers don’t even read it ). Oh well. Be generous y’all and give a dollar now and then ( or buy a “Street Sense” newspaper if you’re in the DC area ).

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE HOMELESS?

Speaking of unemployment, they say the best thing to do at a job interview is “sell yourself”. The problem with selling yourself is that everyone is subjective, whether for better or worse. Some people think they’re the bee’s knees, shoulders, head, and toes. Other people would omit themselves from a list of the top billion people on the planet. Therefore, as a guy, there’s only one way to objectively evaluate myself: By seeing how I’d be sold at a sperm bank.

EYE SIGHT – Although stylish, his plastic frame eyeglasses hardly mask the fact that he is virtually blind without corrective lenses. His prescription is continually spirally downward, with new lenses needed every 2 years or so.

HAIR – He recently tweezed his first gray out of the left side of his head above his ear, but overall the density and coverage area of his head follicles are good and his widow’s peak is an endearing recessive trait.

METABOLISM – Currently not fat, has the tendency to gain weight rapidly when working at all you can eat buffets. Will never have a six-pack but, on the plus side, lacks the Wilford Brimley disease ( The Diabetes ). Also wishes he had Wilford Brimley’s moustache (** see BRAIN FUNCTION )

JOINTS – Doesn’t smoke them anymore. But seriously, pretty solid except for occasional horror movie sounding knee creakage from Tennis playing days (** see ATHLETICISM ).

BRAIN FUNCTION – Performs generally well on standardized tests but shows a propensity to operate well below maximum capacity. Possibly motivated by a fear of it crashing like his old laptop computer. However, can recall minute details from superfluous conversations.

ATHLETICISM – Pick your synonym of choice for average

BLOOD TYPE – No idea. Passed out and started convulsing the only time he ever tried to give blood

So I’m not sure what the going rate for sperm is these days, but I’d at least like to think (subjectively) that it’s somewhere between the American Dollar and British Pound. As long as it’s not one of those currencies where a million something equals a dime. And to my female readers(-s), anyone who says women aren’t valued like men in society, just look at the going rate for eggs compared to sperm. This is why I’ve always been a proponent of mass vasectomies to decrease supply and increase demand.

WHAT ARE YOUR EGGS/SPERM WORTH?

And yes, it’s bizarre that I read these random blogs of women from different states that I don’t know or care about. I think I’m just addicted to the whole “Manhater’s Club” aspect of it all. The two most used phrases have to be “I guess that’s why I’m single” and “But I won’t change”. Maybe I’m just jealous that men will never have support group blogging like this, because there’s no way ever I would comment on a man’s blog by saying “Me too, I often cry after being rejected by women” or “It’s ok you’re gaining weight, I’m sure it’s muscle not fat”.

Lastly, I realize there’s no way I’m not coming off as a chauvinistic jerk in this post. But I don’t expect a deluge of responses to it anyway because A.) I didn’t post a picture of the Greek Yogurt I ate today B.) I’m not giving away tupperware/chocolate and C.) I didn’t end with a question.

That should just about burn every bridge. Still love ya ladies and if you’ve read this far without calling me a pig, know that I’m genuinely trying to understand you. It’s just taking awhile. Hopefully there’s a Groupon for that.

Hypocrite Alert!

Usually it starts with the Metro doors opening and the exodus spilling out towards the escalator. Like a cooked pierogi, inevitably a player will rise to the top.  Their gate markedly increases as they squeeze or weave by people too close for stranger comfort. They have to get through the gates and out of the station as fast as possible, probably to get a better spot in line at Starbucks or to get into the office before their wife calls to tell them they dropped one of their four kids off at the wrong school (“What can I do honey, I’m already at the office?”). Whatever their reasons, they’ve unsuspectedly become the next participant in Trailgating.

Having passed me, usually whilst brushing up against me or knocking my dangling lunch bag out of their way, I now activate my speedwalking legs and obnoxiousness. I stalk my prey, not letting them get more than 50 feet or so in front of me. Once we’re above ground the chase begins.

At this point they’re as obvious as a fish out of water or Donald Trump at anything. Eschewing crosswalks and traffic patterns they walk as fast as possible, somehow thinking in their heads that by not full out running they are being inconspicuous. Wrong!

By this point I have hopefully narrowed the gap to 20 feet, taking advantage of the fact that they don’t expect someone to be following them at a matching crazy legs pace. As with any hunt, sometimes I lose them as they forge through an intersection in the nick of time, and always after the red stop hand has gone from flashing to solid. Next time foil!

The ones that don’t get away? I am on their heels now. We’re doing a streetwalking samba, two people walking stride for stride at the same breakneck pace as nobody around them notices or cares. This is about personal gratitude, not recognition.

Now, the kicker. What makes it all worth while. They pass a subtle head turn or glance in your direction. Why is this person walking frenetically next to me? What is wrong with them? Hopefully that triggers the thought in them, “Why am I walking this frenetically?”. It never does. They counter with a dirty look instead. That’s Trailgating, and I’m hooked.

Here’s my thing. Is forging a disposable razor such a complex process that we’re forced to advance blade capacity one blade at a time? We really can’t just jump to 8 blades now? Everyone knows that Apple holds back on their technology, so you should never buy the first incarnation of any of their products (this coming from the guy who has a two pound, dead iPod paperweight from 2002 sitting on a shelf somewhere in his childhood bedroom). But at least a part of me believes there are some legitimate logistical problems that Apple deals with in putting computer technology in razor thin devices. All Gillette and Schick have to do is put razors in razor thin devices.